30 blah

Well, I need to start this out by saying that blogging is TOO much pressure. You people are too demanding! It was all, "Cathy, where is the next blog", "I need something funny today", "You need to put your shoes in the closet". I just ran away and never returned. Well, I am back now! Who knows for how long so just enjoy it while you have it. Same grammar rules apply as previously mentioned.

Since leaving you 11 followers I have done some pretty remarkable things. I refinished a coffee table, made my first photobook, bought a new bathroom rug and polished off a bottle of wine or two. I will describe these things in great detail as we catch up. Less impressively, In the past two years I gave birth to an incredibly good looking person, bought a business and drank WAY to much in celebration of my 30th bday. It would have been nice if y'all checked in every now and then to see how I have been these last few years.

In the blogs to come I will regale you with tales of pregnancy, labor, child rearing, vegetable shopping, leg shaving and bouncy balls. Additionally, I have decided to try something new each week of this my 31st year. You will get to hear about those adventures too! Congrats! Get ready for the unbelievable excitement that will be new nail polish colors, perhaps some skinny jeans, and maybe even a low back tattoo.

Thats all for now. It feels indifferent to be back. Thanks for reading folks!

tea, lactose and technical things

Ooops I forgot that I had a blog. Sorry about the absence folks. Actually, I am not really that sorry, I don't owe you people anything. Stop being so demanding. GOLLY-BILL! At any rate here is a new addition for your pleasure.

Here are a few stories I think you might enjoy...

Story one:

At a former job I was typing lesson plans (spy words for checking facebook) in the computer lab when a co-worker came in with a look of confusion and before I could stealthily escape from the situation posed a quandary to me. I would like to preface this by informing you that the character in this saga has been not only entrusted with the rearing of her own children but also shaping the minds of many a child via the education system. Here is how this played out (with a little commentary)...

“Uhhhhh Ms. Stolfi (yes, Bistolfi is a difficult name to get the hang of but you are a grown lady) when you cook tea (we will ignore the replacement of the verb brew) the water comes out right?”

After a moment of staring in disbelief I respond with an educated “What?” Clearly I would have included a “the hell” or perhaps a well deserved f-bomb had we not been sitting beneath a crucifix.

I was, sadly, not mishearing things because she repeated the exact same question “when you cook tea the water comes out right?”

Realizing that the situation did not warrant my effort I simply explained that the dried tea in the bag basically mixes with the water and that is what you get. I didn't use big words like absorb or diffuse to avoid stares.

She continued to explain that couldn't possibly be correct she had “cooked” her tea in the microwave and when she opened the door there was water everywhere and the tea was left in the cup.

I am now fighting the extreme urge to laugh and barely managed to ask her how long she set the microwave for (mind you this is the same woman who had already caused the fire department to pay us a visit twice by popping popcorn for ten plus minutes) and she said five minutes. FIVE MINUTES! So, I tried to explain that the water had boiled out due to the excessive microwaving time. This was obviously ill advised because she told me flat out that I was wrong. Silly me, I should have known that you can only “get things to boilin' on a stove with a pot”. Super.

Story 2:

You should know that the a fore mentioned woman at some point decided (not entirely falsely) that I was the guru of the world. Here is the break down of this one:

Uhhh Stolfi I have a problem

…..ok what?

Whenever I eats a lot of ice cream or milk I gets the loose bowls or grow gassy so I was wonderin' do you think I could be that lacto-retarded?

She is definitely one part of that made up word.

Story 3:

Surprisingly enough I have yet another story about the same woman. Here goes the last gem of the night...

Now attendance at work wasn't necessarily a priority for this particular woman. One morning as she was arriving she stubbed her toe ( there is a reason we weren't to have exposed toes) on the door and broke her nail. Not only was this enough of an emergency for her to have to leave work but also warranted visit the emergency room (you may recall this situation seeing as how you probably footed the bill). Upon her return 3 DAYS later I mistakenly inquired as to her condition. She solemnly responded that it had been a hard recovery on account of she had lost part of the toenail. Thankfully the doctors had given her “one of those technical shots that had saved her foot”. That's right folks she said “technical shot”. Thank goodness the door wasn't all that rusty or she might have been in serious trouble. You would think while they were passing out shots the good doctor would have thought to offer her a TETANUS shot. Go figure.

That's all. I wish everyone a solemn and reflective Lent. Maybe I will be back some other time. Have fun folks.

is that a kindergartener or a drunk?

Well, today was one of those days where I had to rush home and have a glass(es) of wine and have thus forgotten all of the noteworthy things that transpired today.

I didn't want to leave my five followers hanging so I thought I would revisit a classroom story of yesteryear. Stop me if you have heard this one...ha like you could stop me.

I spent my first two years of teaching shaping the minds of kindergarteners. Initially this seemed like a good fit for me because kindergarteners regularly behave like drunk adults. Just today I watched one kid fall twice in 15ft of straight hallway, witnessed one pooing his pants and on more than one occasion listened to a five year old sing my praises and confess their undying love for me. They stumble over words AND chairs, frequently break into random dance, burst into tears with no rational reasoning and vomit without warning. You see that the similarities are astonishing. So, it would stand to reason, that given my friend set and background experiences I would feel right at home in kindergarten. NOT the case! Dealing with drunk people is apparently easier to handle if you have imbibed a little yourself. Given the fact that schools frown on tipsy teachers ( I have suggested mimosa mentor brunches and planning period pina coladas to no avail) this equation was terribly unbalanced. I will occasionally (on slow blog topic days) offer you insight into the my experiences in this area. This is one such day...

You need to understand that I had no formal teacher training at the start of my teaching career. I was given a classroom and 17 kindergarteners for simply enrolling in grad school. You may not know this but they actually expect you to teach real skills to children and they do not necessarily come with any sort of skill set (or appropriate hygiene). So, I spent my first week shell shocked. There were kids who did not immediately do as instructed and some who seemed hell bent on pushing me towards a nasty xanex binge. Shocking right?? There was one particular precious little angel whom, while I love dearly, was the bane of my existence for the entire year. She did nothing that was requested of her and did so spitefully. So, on this particular Friday (2 weeks into the school year) I had decided to ignore her. Mature right? I was rocking the morning meeting portion of our day. We had discussed the weather, reviewed our daily schedule and just as I was about to break it down on the Days of the Week song I hear “Ms. Stolfi, Ms. Stolfi” I tried really hard to resist the urge to cuss and continued with the rest of my meeting. ALL the other kids are actively engaged in the learning process and I can see her in the back of the room wandering by the art table. My blood is starting to boil when I hear “Ms. Stolfi what is this RAT doing to me”. This gets my attention and I look up to see this baby standing on one foot with both hands in the air. She has something hanging off her saddle oxford and the whole class erupts. If you put a glue trap in a classroom you HAVE got to let the teacher know. This child was not the first to step on this particular glue trap, apparently a mouse had done so sometime earlier. There she stood in her pig tails and uniform with a dead mouse hanging off her foot. A DEAD MOUSE attached to a child. I had not come across the protocol for such a situation so logically I pick the child up under her arms and run her 50 yards to the office (YES I left 16 other children unattended in a classroom with an external exit and lots of scissors). I sling her on to the counter and at this sight the administration spits out her cookie and runs screaming into her office...this was helpful. The kid is by now in tears and I am searching for my phone to call my mommy to come pick me up. The kid spent the next several weeks reliving this event for any and all classroom visitors and I drank a little every night to try and forget it. This was not my hallmark day as a teacher. Hopefully my getting this all out there on the internet will be therapeutic for me. I appreciate your help. Bill me later.

I am tired of typing. I hate to proof read, sorry. Hope for something exciting to happen tomorrow. That is all. Bye folks.

All of your dreams have come true

I would like to preface this inaugural blog by stating the fact that grammar rules rarely enter into my mental processes. So, if you are put off by dangling modifiers or misused gerunds then turn away now! I actually embrace a comma splice. Now that we have that straight...let's begin!

If I have heard it once then I have heard it at least twice

“Cathy, you have got to start a blog”

I never really had much use for it so I have resisted the pressure and significant monetary offers until now. I have only read a handful of blog entries and most of them seem to be offspring centered. No offense to all of you bloggy mothers (you know I love most of you) but I have no real use for all that. You may be wondering what has changed to make the wishes of all of you blog readers (is there a term for those who read blogs?) come true. Well, I recently read about a teacher who was blogging and said a few “touchy” things and got herself suspended WITH PAY. What the heck kind of punishment is that?? Oh, you can sleep late and watch Full House all day and we are still going to send you a check. I hope that teaches you a lesson lady! So, I figured I teach, kids occasionally annoy me, I have friends who are bored enough to read my jibber jabber AND I sure could use a little vaca. Here's hoping folks!
I can't promise to update this regularly or be hilarious at all times but I am going to give it the old college try. As a reader of this blog you can expect mostly classroom antic-dotes and stories illustrating the colorful nature of Memphis. I hope you enjoy my ramblings but if not put back a few cocktails and read it again. My humor increases as your sobriety decreases.
There are a few rules to this blog

1. If you spend time with me you are likely to be entered into a blog...Don't be a Sensitive Susan (Emiline this one is for you)
2. I don't need feedback on my grammar, spelling or political correctness.
3. Don't tell my sweet, handsome, loving husband when he appears in my blog...This will likely result in pouting and you being robbed of some real gems
4. Listen to Dolly Parton while reading...I will make sure that each blog is written to the rhythm of one of her masterpieces
5. NO joke stealing

That is all for tonight. I will try to get back to y'all tomorrow but the weather channel is calling for tornadoes and they give me a nervous stomach. Thank you Jackson, TN. I am not sure that my laptop cord will reach the bathroom. We shall see.

Peace out folks!